To be or not to be...fat...

Oprah's show today was about women who are overweight because they over eat because of emotional problems. I watched for just a few minutes and then I turned it off. It wasnt interesting to me..I know that when I am bored or sad I eat..I eat horribly most times just as a part of daily life! I dont need Oprah to tell me!
So as I wait for that hour to pass..channel turned to 3 so that I dont miss a moment of Dr. Phil, I surf the web and yes, dig into a bag of yummy BBQ chips.
Dr. Phil comes on and its about an anorexic women! I cant turn it away..my eyes swell full of tears.
As a women, I have had my battles with those pesky numbers on the scale. I was skinny growing up (with a booty that knocked stuff off of shelves)..I hit 18 and my thighs decided to wage war against each other and spread as far apart as they could. Now I was a size 13 from since I could remember, with 185 being the most I weighed. I have had 2 kids, that havent helped the situation.
Finally last year after after 1 week (1 month is more like it but that is our secret) of eating everything in site (my boyfriend had deployed and I was sad..to say the least) and just like Oprah and her peps said today, I fed my sadness..literally. I dont know how much I gained, all I knew is that this wonderful man was going to be gone for 6 months..and he left a big girl behind (fell in love with me when I was a big girl, I remind him). I couldnt let him come back to me bigger. I didnt feel good. I felt sick. Food didnt have a taste to me anymore, it was just something for me to do. My kids would poke at me like the blob as I laid on the couch eating ice cream.
There isnt one defining moment in that week or two that made me change, but I did. I stopped eating everything under the sun. I changed everything about how I ate and in that 6 months, I lost almost 30 lbs. Amazing! I didnt excercise too much and I still drank soda and beer and my burgers, but I did it alot less. I felt great. I was a new women!
He has been home almost a year now and I have still kept the weight off..yea for me..Here lies the problem: I can lose more. I would still like to lose about 10-15 more lbs. Crazy if you seen my body. NO I am not skinny (in my eyes), I am thinner I agree. I still have problem areas..dont we all! Every women I know is always trying to make improvements to their body. I am. I refuse to diet. I do! Plain and simple. I refuse to excercise regularly. I do when I am feeling it and I like to run when time allows. I would love to be a little bit thinner. Love it.
So why dont I try? Because I am realistic. I see that if I really truly lost more weight, I wouldnt be healthy. I would have to eat less and in turn lose energy and strenght.
I am happy right now. I eat when I am hungry, I eat what taste good and I eat when I want! But in the last 2 hours of tv I have seen self proclaimed "fat" people and they are NOT happy..they arent happy with their weight and they arent happy with their lives in general. ok, so solution simple: lose the weight.
I am watching a skinny women..literally skin and bones..and shocker! She is NOT happy! Unhappiness all around. I think people shouldnt be unhealthy, period. I dont care what you weigh. I dont want people to suffer with too much fat that they cant live a life..but I dont want anyone to lose their life because they cant function because they have no fat.
So I guess what I am trying to say..be happy. be healthy. I still see a fat girl in the mirror..I fluctuate from 135-140 from week to week, to the point that I have stopped getting on the scale, because that isnt what is important to me. What is important is that I feel good. I can tell you when I am going over the 140 mark..and I cut back. I run. I put away the chips. But I do that for me. Not for anyone else.
So I say to you....to be..or not to be....happy!